Steve Grand “All American Boy” Review (2015)

“Homosexuality is anti-American!”

One can expect to hear many variations of that phrase. Bigots insist upon uttering it every time a celebrity or politician comes out of the closet. They say we are trying to promote an agenda. They think that being Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual or Transgender is “anti-American.” Well, singer/songwriter Steve Grand is proving that it is as “All American” as hot dogs, apple pie and baseball. I have written about him many times. However, I finally listened to his first full length album “All American Boy” and I have wanted to write a thought out review. There is so much that I want to say, but I don’t know where to begin. This brought me back to the day I first discovered him back in July of 2013.

Strangely enough, I cannot remember where or how I discovered Steve. However, I will always remember the impact he still continues to have on me. I am trying to figure out where I am truly destined in life. Things are coming slowly. Although, I know that the only way to do that is to find out as much information as I can and go do it. It is easy enough to say “no” in fear of the outcome being less than desirable. This is why I will always cherish “All American Boy.” It has truly exceeded my expectations! Each song has its own character, but they all reflect the passion and authenticity of the Steve Grand who I have truly come to admire. Here, I have decided to highlight some of my favorite tracks.

There is one thing that definitely makes an album worth listening to. It is the occasional presence of tracks with titles that make a new listener question the lyric content, rather than jump out at them immediately. The beautiful ballad “Back to California” is definitely one of those. This is without a doubt the most personal track on the album. The lyrics are about his long-lost best friend from high school and how she always stood by him. Being gay in high school is no picnic for many people who grow up in small towns with mostly Conservative upbringings. Far too often, this negativity is often internalized and imposed on people who have done nothing but live their own lives. Being someone who happens to be gay and diagnosed with high functioning Autism, I truly admire and respect that someone recognizes the importance of friendships.

Like I said earlier, it is important for anyone who dreams of achieving success in this world to find out where they are truly destined. “We Are The Night” has a very different feel. It’s dance like beat reminds me of The Scissor Sisters, while it’s progressive lyrics very much resemble Lady Gaga’s Born This Way.

And we just wanna be free
Is there anything more lovely?
We got our whole lives to love
And tonight we’re as young as we’ll ever be
So don’t you never look back
Today could be our last
And we’ll just live as we are
Unmoved by the darkness we face
Cause we are the night
They’re gonna say we just ain’t right
But we are the night
We are the night

Homophobia will continue to exist throughout our years on this earth. People will continue to bitch and moan every time a celebrity or public figure comes out of the closet. However, the title track “All American Boy” is also one of those tracks that truly defies the societal boundaries of sexual orientation. This video has received a lot of praise, along with negativity from a few angry and potentially misguided gay people. The video is a fantasy about a gay man who expresses undying love for his straight friend, who is already with a woman. Steve’s fantasy ends up becoming a short-lived reality. He and his dream beau rip off their clothes, jump into a pond and kiss. This alone has angered a few of the nasty critics I just mentioned, mainly because of the clear difference between fantasy and reality. Then again, some gay people just don’t like the patriotic theme because many (but not all) “patriotic” Americans are racist and sexist god fearing Christians who think being gay is the spawn of the devil.

Nevertheless, I sense that this video and song was ultimately intended to remind us all that there is nothing wrong with thinking that we are in love with someone, despite the fact that we cannot have them.

“Stay” is a track that I can picture Steve and his band singing around a campfire. A banjo, mandolin and guitars accompany this lighthearted toe tapper. It sends Steve’s future beau a very clear, yet upbeat message.

Stay with me, we don’t never have to leave
You my southern king, we live it for the daydreams
So don’t you laugh—Notre Dame he had his chance
And he’s a good, good man
But there’s some things he just don’t understand
So when my old man’s out of town but a couple days
I think that you should stay
Oh, won’t you stay
Hmmmm

“Soakin’ Wet” is another one of those upbeat pop/rock type songs. I would consider the lyric content to be sexy in nature, without putting so much emphasis on sexual details. I don’t have anything against people who are “unfiltered” in those regards. However, it is nice to see someone who recognizes that being gay goes far beyond the things we do between the sheets.

I got you out on the water, soaking wet
Got that white t-shirt clinging to your chest
Yeah, the sun’s going down, but it ain’t gone yet
We can dry off a little later on
‘Cus we’re having a little too much fun
Being soaking wet, eh, eh
Being soaking wet, eh, oh

“Time” is by far my favorite ballad. As the title suggests, it’s about the quick progression of time and how relationships can suddenly take a turn for the worst. People are not always as charming as they seem. We swoon over their good looks, sense of humor, their money, cars and stylish clothes. They go on and on about how amazing they think they are. We are completely oblivious to who they truly are. They just want to use us for sex, money or anything else they can brag about to the next person they want to stab in the back. While the song was about the painful end of a romantic relationship, I am sure the lyrics are relatable to anyone who knows how it feels to be mistreated by someone who they previously perceived as genuine.

On that note, I do hope that Steve will consider something in the future. Many artists have created music videos that are either slightly or completely different from your typical visual reenactment of the lyrics. The music video for Garth Brook’s “The Dance” is a remarkable example of that. He used it as a tribute to inspirational leaders who have died and pondered what the lyrics would have meant to them. I listen to the chorus of “Lovin’ Again” and notice how it changes from the beginning to the end.

“You just might keep me, you just might keep me, from lovin’, lovin’ again.

Perhaps the cry is coming from someone who is trying to come to terms with more than just a “love gone bad.” For example, his boss could have fired him for being gay and he could be struggling to find a new job and live his life again. Life’s contradicting messages are nearly pushing him to the breaking point. He finally finds the courage to get up and remind himself…

“You won’t keep me, you won’t keep me, from lovin’, lovin’ again.”

All in all, Steve Grand’s debut album “All American Boy” is more than just an authentic display of defiance towards the societal boundaries of sexual orientation. It is a reminder that we must not be afraid of experimenting and seeing where we truly belong. It takes time, patience and confidence to find that, but it is something that we must do if we want to.  achieve true success. Steve epitomizes someone who can truly achieve that!

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It’s Always Going To Be There

I have seen the video on America’s Got Talent that everyone is talking about. Let me start by saying that it is fantastic to see someone with Autism to be allowed an opportunity that so many people with the neurological disorder continue to miss out on. Why do so many people with Autism miss out you may ask? It’s because of our society’s ignorance that is spawned by fear of the unknown. Elyse Wanshel wrote a Huffington Post article which criticized the reactions to such an audition. Comments on her article People Are Celebrating Kodi Lee on ‘America’s Got Talent’ For The Wrong Reasons have further proved the point she was trying to make.

The video of Kodi Lee’s audition was initially titled “Kodi Lee Defeats Autism and Blindness With Music.” Backlash finally convinced staff to revise the title to “Kodi Lee Wow’s You With a Historical Moment.” People can call me “PC” all they want to. However, that doesn’t change my belief that such a title is worthy of criticism. We live in a world that says you must look the part if you want to be successful. This means that exhibiting any of the characteristics associated with Autism is a strict no-no. It will offend people, particularly those who say that people like me are “easily offended” by the title of a video that falsely implies that a person’s Autism Diagnosis can be defeated. Those who use such language in reference to me are not worthy of my friendship.

I wonder one thing about some of those people who say Kodi Lee is an inspiration. Are they the same ones who would act shocked and offended if he were to exhibit behaviors like stimming? I try not to make assumptions about people based on a social media post. However, I wouldn’t be surprised if the answer to such a question were yes. I reject the world’s mindset that any amount of success I can achieve forbids me from exhibiting something that helps me “self regulate” and “self-calm.” I also reject the many who use their experiences with Autism as a means for deciding that they know what is best for me.

I have never met Kodi Lee before. Therefore, I don’t know how Autism effects him. No person with a neurological disorder is under any obligation to answer such a question for the very reason I described above. I am the only person who truly knows the answer to that question in reference to me. Those who see things like stimming as a character flaw are not worthy of my friendship. They don’t know my diagnosis. I do!

 

Keep It In The Bedroom (But I Will Ask Even Though It’s None of My Business)

“Are you gay?” I’ve heard this question from many people throughout the twenty-six years I have been alive. My high school years were especially a time when people felt the need to ask me such a personal question about something that isn’t any of their business. Bullies would ask me this question when they had no other intention than to provoke me. I would also hear it from people who genuinely had the best of intentions. It didn’t matter who asked me that question or what their intentions were. I didn’t appreciate it because I felt people were pressuring me into thinking about something I just wasn’t ready to explore.

Rumors have been spreading about singer/songwriter Shawn Mendes. His self-titled album has reached number one on US Billboard 200 charts. It also became Apple Music’s second most streamed pop album of 2018, behind Justin Timberlake’s Man Of The Woods. Therefore, I am not entirely surprised people have felt the need to gossip about his personal life. I realize that rumors are not statements of fact. I would be lying if I said I didn’t wonder about his sexuality. However, there are plenty of straight men who exhibit stereotypes that people tend to associate with gay men. 

A few years ago, I wrote a post which addressed a refrain many of us gays have heard time and time again from our heterosexual friends. It was appropriately titled “you should be more discreet.” I don’t just hear that from bigots who have nothing better to do than express hatred about something they will never have the brains or the heart to understand. I also hear it from people who claim to be on board with “the gay thing,” as they call it. It used to really irritate me when I was newly out of the closet. However, I now understand that even those who claim to be accepting need to be educated from time to time. 

If Shawn Mendes were to come out as gay, would the same people who keep gossiping about his personal life turn around and tell him that he should “keep in the bedroom?” I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if the answer to this question were yes. It’s one thing for a celebrity to have to experience such a thing. It is another thing for someone like me to experience it. I don’t perform concerts in sold out venues across the world. I have very little money. I don’t know what it is like to be forbidden from going out in public alone in attempts to avoid the crazy paparazzi. 

I do, however, know how it feels to know that people are wondering about something I simply wasn’t ready to explore and reveal about myself. Being on the Autism Spectrum didn’t help in that regard. People will notice when you are different. Often times, they will feel the need to point it out in ways that are clearly intended to make someone feel miserable. That is why I say to anyone who has experienced speculation with regards to things like sexual orientation and gender identity. You are the only person who knows the truth. Therefore, you are the only person who should have permission to reveal it! 

 

 

 

 

 

Steve Grand “Not The End Of Me”

I just listened to the entirety of Steve Grand’s second full-length album Not The End Of Me. Many things have changed in his life and in my life since the first time I saw him perform on Pittsburgh’s Liberty Avenue stage in mid-June of 2014. Steve’s fan base continues to be small. Despite that, it still remains one of the most diverse and loyal groups of people I’ve ever had the pleasure of interacting with on social media.

I was out visiting my sister in New York City when the out singer’s album was initially released. I didn’t listen to it until I returned that Sunday. I was initially nervous about it. I say that because his debut album All American Boy was unique in its own light. It was the number one most funded music project in Kickstarter history. I expected Not The End of Me to live up to the honesty and authenticity of its predecessor. 

I am happy to say that my expectations were met when I finished my first listen. However, I continue to struggle with the ability to come up with the words to describe how I feel about each track on this gem by an unbelievably talented and underrated performer. I felt that when I listened to the catchy and upbeat opener “Walking.” I struggled throughout each track because each one has its own musical style, lyricism and subject matter. 

Pink Champagne makes it clear that Steve previously struggled with alcoholism. Many people in the LGBT community struggle with addiction. I think part of it is used to cover up the pain of dealing with the general hatred and discrimination many of us are subjected to. They can only cope with that stigma by resorting to whatever their addictive behavior may be. This causes the individual to become completely unaware of how dangerous their behavior can indeed be. 

“Disciple” is my favorite song on the record. The religious imagery of mother Mary and Jesus may confuse the listener and wonder what Steve is exactly trying to say. It is no secret that Christianity has a long history of anti-LGBT teachings. (I was raised Lutheran, and my hometown church previously lost membership out of opposition to the ELCA’s stance on ordaining clergy who are in a committed relationship with a person of the same sex.) 

The message of the song changes from verse one to verse two. Verse one portrays a childlike peace with the teachings of Jesus and Christianity. It changes, however, in verse two. Pain associated with the anti-LGBT teachings of the church are angering him and driving him away. The anger associated with these teachings seems to push him farther to the point to where he feels that he says he will “die happy never to hear your (Jesus’s) words again.”

“Don’t Let The Light In” makes it clear that Steve has found the love of his life. (At least throughout the four-minute and eleven-second duration of the song.) Its emotionality reminds me of his debut single “All American Boy.” I have yet to find that person whom I am more than willing to fight for. (We’ll see if and when that actually happens.) However, this song gives me four minutes and eleven seconds of hope that I will someday find that person. who truly makes me feel “Safe and Sound. 

“Aint It Something” also reminds me of “All American Boy” in the sense that Steve doesn’t truly get the guy in the end. We’ve all met that one person in our life who wins us over by their charm and good looks. We get the opportunity to connect, only, thinking we truly have a shot. Then, the person leaves and is never to be seen again. Fantasy is always better than reality, right? 

“Not The End Of Me” is a song that lives up to its name. It doesn’t matter how bad a break up gets. There becomes a time when we have to stand up and remind ourselves that we are still here. 

“Anti Hero” is a song about Steve’s aunt and godmother Diane Niehaus, who the entire album was dedicated to. She died from cancer in 2015. The lyrics are deep and full of emotion, which is why I also consider this track to be one of my favorites. I have never experienced the loss of someone close to me. However, I do live with Depression. I know it is a lifelong struggle, no matter how much people try to say I can magically snap out of. I never met Diane. But, I could instantly tell that she and Steve were incredibly close. “I was just a child, her love was like the ocean.” Her death pushed him into a Depression so deep that he resorted to alcohol as a way to cope with the pain he was experiencing. 

“Good To See You” reminds me of who I was during my teenage years. In particular, the second verse is particularly relevant to me. Steve talks about how he built a wall against the people who really cared about him. I was bullied a lot as a teenager, especially during freshman and sophomore year of high school. I also struggled with Autism Spectrum Disorder (Asperger’s Syndrome.) Difficulty relating to others put up a wall between me and those who truly wanted the best for me. Some may find it strange that he would say something so sincere towards a man whom he previously engaged in a one night stand with. I guess that is part of his personality! 

“All I Want” reminds us all of that one person whom, as the title suggests, supposedly is “the one.” There could be many reasons which may suggest that is the case. However, this person Steve is singing about just so happens to be a cheater. Deep down, he knows he truly is not worth it. His good looks seem to convince Steve into believing this guy is all he wants. (When will he learn?) I suppose the truth will catch up to him before too long! 

“You Or The Music” also lives up to its title. It is the most up-tempo song on the whole album. (I suppose it has an unintended meaning that Steve will be staying single for a while.) Steve’s busy touring schedule is bound to make it impossibly difficult to maintain a relationship with someone. He makes it abundantly clear that the music will ultimately win. 

It makes sense that “Can’t Go Back” is the closing track of the album. He says he is “running from his mind” and trying to cope with the painful experiences he has gone through. He is accepting the fact that he can’t go back and do it over again. 

These 12 tracks, along with the three demos, make Not The End Of Me hard to believe that it is only Steve Grand’s second full-length record. Steve is a talented, handsome and underrated artist who deserves more recognition than he gets. It gave me more insight into his mind and his songwriting. He was able to turn painful experiences like struggling with alcoholism and the death of his loving aunt/godmother into music. That, combined with his sheer dedication, is a talent few people have. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Bought A Journal

You may tell by the title that I haven’t been writing as much as I would like to be. I have found that sitting in front of the computer, trying to come up with something that people will want to read is only going to cause my cursor to blink and blink in front of a blank document. Thus, I ordered a journal and have begun writing inside of it each day. I have found that I am much too formal when I am sitting here in front of the computer. Things like content and formatting prevent me from making progress by actually writing something. Add that with worrying about whether people will actually want to read what I have to say.

Yes, we need to know the importance of sharing our writing with other people for the sake of getting honest feedback. I realize that is what professional writers do. However, I think we all need at least one place where nobody else but I will read the things I place inside of it. That is precisely why I bought a journal. I need at least one place where I don’t have to think about any of the formalities associated with submitting my writing to someone who is going to evaluate it.  Sitting in front of my computer certainly is not going to help me achieve that.

I simply take five to ten minutes each day and write whatever comes to my mind. I do it simply to achieve the task of getting my thoughts on paper. I often do think of good ideas for content when I am laying down in bed, or, on the ground playing with my dog. There is one problem with that. I tend to forget about it a few minutes later. I fall back into that rut when I sit at my computer and try to come up with something that people will actually want to read. This is why I think this journal will help me in the long run. I can refer back to it and use my entries as ideas for content.

 

 

 

 

 

ABC’s “The Good Doctor”

Those who have read my previous writings will know that I have been critical of Autism portrayals in Hollywood. Grey’s Anatomy’s Dr. Virginia Dixon was (in my view) the worst of any Hollywood portrayal I have ever seen. I am convinced the writers based her representation on a list of symptoms from WebMD and an article about Dr. Temple Grandin. I suppose you could say that I was “triggered” by Dr. Dixon’s evident inability to recognize when the parents of a brain-dead patient might not want to be overwhelmed with all of the details as to why their beloved daughter’s life has been cut short.

Multiple publications have praised a new ABC drama titled “The Good Doctor” as a program which sheds light on Autism. The show’s protagonist is Dr. Shaun Murphy (Freddie Highmore.) He is a surgeon who lives with Autistic Spectrum Disorder. Some articles have indicated that he also has Savant syndrome. The first five episodes of the series have made it abundantly clear that Shaun lived a troubled childhood. His father was an abusive alcoholic. His brother was tragically killed in a fall from the roof of a train car, which he and his friends were playing on. 

It is encouraging to see a positive depiction of someone who lives with a neurological condition which affects no two people in exactly the same way. I am not at all denying that people are becoming more educated and aware that Autism is real. I am genuinely grateful for the many folks who continue to fight the good fight. I am also thankful for the writer’s attempt to convey a message that it is possible for someone who is on the Autism Spectrum to pursue a successful career in a field they are passionate about. 

That being said, I can see why some people take issue with Hollywood portrayals of Autism. It all goes back to the clear difference between fantasy and reality. Hollywood loves to misrepresent neurological disorders. A high paying job like one held by Freddie Highmore’s character is merely a fantasy for many people who have an ASD. I’ve read horror stories about employers who were far from willing to make accommodations based on the person’s needs. 

Hollywood’s continued support Autism Speaks is another primary reason why some take issue with the film and television industry’s representations of the disorder. The fact is, this organization does little to nothing with regards to providing real support for individuals and their families. Their primary focus is on the highly controversial search for a cure. They primarily cater towards families with children and provide little to no support for adults. ASD does not end after high school. It is a lifelong struggle with its own set of challenges in every phase of the individual’s life. 

As stated in an earlier paragraph, there are some high points to the character that is Dr. Shaun Murphy. However, my biggest complaint thus far would be the scenes where they portray Shaun as someone with apparent social ineptitude. I can partially forgive it because he had a troubled childhood and lacked an adult figure who could teach him proper social boundaries. I am currently willing to trust the writers will not go the route of portraying him as a man who somehow thinks his diagnosis automatically entitles him to a get out of jail free card when people call him out on social behavior which violates necessary boundaries. 

(The episode “Pipes” proves my point. Shaun wakes up his landlord after midnight to give him a list of repairs to be done around his apartment.) 

There are a few things I would like to see in future episodes of “The Good Doctor.” I know several people who work in hospitals. One must have a thick skin and be able to cope with any situation that can cause stress. My question is, how would a character like Shaun respond to a crisis situation in the hospital? An answer to that question would most likely depend on what type of crisis I am referring to. Any kind of situation which disrupts the typical day to day operations of the fictional St. Bonaventure hospital would give us a glimpse into how Shaun reacts to stressful situations which disrupt his routine. 

All in all, I do look forward to seeing more episodes of The Good Doctor. I think Shaun is a likable character with tremendous potential as a surgeon. I hope the writers, and fans of this show, will take my above concerns into account. 

 

The Adventures of Apartment Life (Quick Update Blog)

I admire the view of the street and the empty grass parking lot. I hear vehicles driving by on the street and the neighborhood children playing outside. I notice the smell of barbecue coming from the neighboring apartment complex. The noise of a siren, coming from the nearby volunteer fire station, disrupts my attention for about thirty seconds. The sound of several passing fire truck sirens soon follows after the station’s winds down from its half minute blast. I attempt to divert my attention to whatever I was doing before that blaring sound interrupted my concentration.

I am surprised that I managed to grow accustomed to those sounds in the almost seven months I have been living in my apartment. As a matter of fact, there are times when they occur in that exact order! I’ve experienced all of those sights and sounds before. I usually thought nothing of them back when I lived with mom and dad. Why do they capture my attention now? I suppose it’s because I am residing in a place that was previously unfamiliar to me. It is a place I will manage to call home until I take up residence elsewhere.

The ability to live independently is essential for someone like me. Let’s face it, we all need our space for varying reasons. Probably the most important reason for my independence is because I know I am a gay man. I could not be more grateful for my parent’s who continue to be loving and supportive of me. Many gay people consider that a luxury simply because their biological families have been everything but that. However, there becomes a time in every gay man’s life when he must go out and explore this essential aspect of who he is as a person.

I would be false to say that apartment living has turned me into a brand new man. However, I can say that it has given me the courage to stop hiding the things that make me who I am. It’s hard for anyone to talk about sexuality when they are in their parent’s house, let alone express it openly. I currently display autographed pictures of Steve Grand flaunting his chiseled physique on my bulletin board. I hope to run off some pictures of my mom, dad, sister and my adorable curly tailed dog named Cinnamon to add to my display.

With that in mind, I know that living on my own comes with its fair share of responsibilities. I now have to keep track of adult things like rent, utility bills and making sure I take out the garbage before it stinks up the whole unit. I also know that I must focus on things like finishing my English degree at community college, finding employment and exploring career opportunities. These are what make independence more rewarding.

 

 

 

Brief Reflections On The Shooting At Pulse Nightclub

It happens every time there is a mass shooting. We sit and watch the television in hopes that the death toll will not continue to rise. Details about the perpetrator and possible motives start to fill social media. Everyone is desperate to know the real answer. Why would someone commit an act so violent, evil and hateful? It was hard to keep my emotions in check when other gay people have said they no longer feel safe at bars, nightclubs, and events that are supposed to be safe places.

I cannot form words regarding today’s events. So, I am going to leave you with a song by somebody who I truly admire. Steve Grand’s “We Are The Night” reminds us that “it’s our time” and “we will rise.” There are plenty of things regarding today’s events that are bound to make us burst out in anger and sadness. Despite that, we must do everything in our power to push for the chance we want to see. Because we just want to be free!

Challenges of Addressing Bullying In Schools

I recently read an article from the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. The subject was a lawsuit between parents Julie and Timothy Krebs. The trial’s ultimate intent is to remind the New Kensington-Arnold School District of their lack of response to the bullying that Destiny Krebs endured every day. Tragically, the emotional pain proved too much for Destiny Krebs. She took her life in February of 2015. I have felt obliged to write about this story since I found it only a week ago. However, I was unsure where to begin.

I graduated from high school five years ago. I was a target throughout my years in the public education system. However, I do not know the specifics with regards to the nature of bullying incidents that are known to take place in New Kensington-Arnold Schools. We have often heard the cliché where people refer to bullying as an epidemic. No doubt that we should be concerned about it. However, I think it is important to remember that bullying is still a very complex issue.

Lee Hirsch’s documentary “Bully” made that incredibly clear. The five families featured in this critically acclaimed work featured the lives of five families who have been affected by bullying in ways that have many significant differences and similarities. (Below are links to stories about each family.) 

• David and Tina Long (from Murray County, Georgia.) 
• Kirk and Laura Smalley (from Perkins, Oklahoma.)
• Kelby Johnson (from Tuttle, Oklahoma.) 
• Alex Libby (from Sioux City, Iowa.) 
• Jameya Jackson (from Yazoo, Mississippi.) 

I am truly grateful for all of these families. They have all reminded us about the importance of determination. They all had one thing in common. That is their anger with their school’s lack of response. It is never easy to turn the reality of a child’s death to movement.  I am in no way trying to claim that I am on the side of administrators or teachers who are apparently uninterested in doing anything to prevent the issue. I, however, think it is important to keep things in mind if it should come up in a conversation between you and the people you interact with every day. 

Parents make a significant difference with regards to ensuring the safety and wellbeing of not just their children. Again, that difference can be positive when they become involved in movements like The Bully Project. It can also be profoundly negative. The question is, what is the appropriate way for a teacher or principal to speak to parents of students who are indeed involved in bullying? Our world is full of parents who have absolutely no clue about what their children doing when they are not under their direct supervision. Good luck to the teacher who tries to tell the parents about their behavior. In a worst case scenario, the parent will most likely get defensive and deny that their child did anything wrong.  

“How dare you tell me that my child is not a perfect little angel?” 

Sadly, our world is full of parents who just don’t care about how damaging bullying is. Some of them go even farther than dismissing the issue and using cliches like “boys will be boys.” They believe that it is funny to mistreat other people and will remorselessly defend a child who does it. I suppose a plausible theory could be that schools often refuse to address the issue due to fear of backlash from the parents of the bully. However, this ends up backfiring for schools because a lawsuit from the parents of the victim is often the only way to remind faculty and administration of how the issue continues to affect everyone negatively. 

 (The scene from Bully at the town hall meeting with Tina and David Long was an eye-opening example. A local pastor stepped up to the microphone. He said that students showed up in school with ropes around their neck right after the suicide death of their son Tyler.) 

 I certainly agree that we should all be angry with school teachers and administrators who are completely lax with regards to punishing children who bully. I agree that movements like “The Bully Project” are very beneficial in getting the word out. However, our anger can make us oblivious to how complicated the world is. I will forever be grateful for the people in my life who taught me the importance of rising above negativity and hatred. We need more individuals and groups who are willing to step up to the plate and take that risk.

“You Should Be More Discreet!”

“Stop shoving your lifestyle down my throat! Keep it in the bedroom!”

I often wish that I could get paid one million dollars every time I hear people say that about the gay community. The funny thing is, it does not just come from people who think that “homosexual practices” are the spawn of the devil. It comes from individuals who claim to be genuinely accepting of the fact that I like men. Life has taught me one valuable lesson with regards to the angry and loudmouth homophobes who know their “activism” is truly hurtful. They don’t deserve my attention. I don’t see any point in angrily responding to people who clearly want such a reaction from me. I am quite annoyed, however, with well-meaning individuals who continue to utter many variations of “you need to be more discreet about your sexuality.”

I find it ironic that some of these folks claim to be okay with the fact that I am gay. I am physically and emotionally attracted to men. Someday, I desire to meet that special man and tie the knot with him. It has been hard to eliminate those folks who cannot accept that marrying a woman in some big church wedding will never be the ideal life for me. I come from a very religious extended family. Despite that, I strive to live as someone who conforms to no one else’s standards but his own! This statement applies to social media and in real life. Yes, the discreet police are highly irritating!

Let’s take a look at the Webster definitions of “discreet.”

Discreet:

1.) Not likely to be noticed by many people. (Simple definition.)

1.) having or showing discernment or good judgment in conduct and especially in speech :prudent; especially:  capable of preserving prudent silence. (Full definition.)

2.) Unpretentious, modest.

3.) Unobtrusive, unnoticeable.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/discreet

There is something I cannot help but notice when I read these definitions of the word and listen to those who insist that we must keep our sexuality “in the bedroom.” They are precise definitions of what we call unintentional homophobia. The whole concept of intent vs. impact comes into play when people “discreet police” me. People try to appear discreet when they know they are doing something that is against the rules. It does not matter if this regulation is in the official rule book or unwritten rules that one must follow to appear like they “belong.” They do not want to get caught in the act for fear of punishment or shunning. Regardless of what anyone says, I know that my sexual orientation is far from illegal or immoral. Therefore, I form the following impression when people say that I need to “keep it in the bedroom.” They are still negatively influenced by the very individuals who think I am the devil’s spawn for showing genuine interest in the “homosexual lifestyle.”

What about my sexuality should I be more discreet? I do not understand what people are referring to when they insist on imposing such a standard on me. I get that we live in a sexually repressed world. I am also willing to acknowledge some of the reasons behind that. Sex and sexuality are topics that require a certain amount of emotional and physical maturity to understand and appreciate. This truth is something that many adults fail to understand. Let’s face it! We live in a world full of people who think that being gay is nothing but a childish joke. That is a joke used as a cheap punchline by someone who has yet to admit their faults and failings.

We also live in a world full of people who fail to realize one thing when they tell me, an openly gay man, to be more discreet. I kept it a secret for many years. By the time I entered junior high, I already realized there was such a thing as gay, bisexual and straight. My diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome caused me to struggle with the ability to understand my behavior and that of others. I knew that I was genuinely curious about the male body in the same way that most teenage boys were curious about the female body. At the time, I never discussed it with anyone. My adolescence, in that regard, was no different than the story of many other people who grew up and realized they were gay. I was curious about the male body and thought it was just a phase that I would outgrow.

Let’s take a walk down memory lane and go back to junior high. I cringe when I remind myself of one trend that began during that time and continued through to high school. It can be hard for any teenager to deal with the development of hormones. This is particularly the case when you are in a building with a bunch of mid-pubescent teens whose only exposure to (heterosexual) sex is through music, pop culture and pornography. Many of my classmates from junior high had the disrespectful tendency to push the topic on people who were just not ready to explore it. Therefore, they assumed that anyone who resisted conversation about that the graphic details of such a topic are a faggot or a queer. (One student used those exact words when they spoke to me.) So, back to the “discreet police.” I am supposed to sit here and keep and keep an essential aspect of my life secret so people can be their nosy selves and assume that I am gay? I don’t get it.

There is one thing I must reluctantly accept from time to time. Some places are just not appropriate for conversations about the most intimate details of my sexuality.

“He has a cute butt! I would bring him home with me!”

I can imagine the looks of disgust from parishioners after I, hypothetically, shouted that in the middle of worship. Even Episcopalians would frown upon that. It’s just not the best to proclaim a sexual interest in places that are specifically intended to look beyond the physical. That still does not change my refusal to allow people to pressure me into “keeping my sexuality in the bedroom.” I just highlighted several reasons why. I don’t like to be “militant” about this issue. (Those are not my words. I am just quoting it from people who have used it to describe the LGBT community.) However, I think it needed to be said and I could not find any other way to say it.

I thank you for reading and please feel free to leave a comment!

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My Letter to Steve Grand (2014)

I am sure we all know how it feels  when we finally get the chance to meet a person we idolize. Last night, I had the opportunity to meet Steve Grand at Pittsburgh Pridefest. Our meeting was short, but I was so glad I finally had the chance to give him a hug. I did not have the time to say the things I really wanted to say. So, I figured it would be best to say them in writing. Without further due, here are my words to Steve.

Steve,

You, your music and your talent have made an incredible impact on me. I wish I could personally thank you for everything you have done for me. It all started when I watched “Back to California.” It put me on an emotional rollercoaster and I could not figure out why.  It reminded me of my lonely and painful high school journey without that one friend whom I could rely on. I could not hold the tears back. Several minutes later, I finally gave myself a mental slap. It’s almost like God was telling me to get a hold of myself and think it through.

Like many gay youth, my high school journey wasn’t wonderful. I didn’t have friends. I was an awkward, closeted mess of a kid who had no idea how to interact with people. I was picked on and I allowed them to control me and I acted out in return. I was afraid to take risks and put myself out there.

Please understand that crushes, love and romance are very new feelings for me. Life with Asperger’s Syndrome has always made me a loner. The high school social scene considered me the loner who was a “loser.” I was an awkward, uncoördinated kid with zero confidence who walked around with a scowl on his face. My “phases” changed throughout that time. I refrained from talking to anyone for most of those 4 years, and then I became this kid who could not control himself and acted out just for the sake of acting out. I desperately needed a way to handle my pain and that was the only release I could find.

“In the midst of our lives, we must find the magic that makes our soul soar!” I immediately thought about you when I found this journal. I am at an unknown time in my life right now. My previous path did not turn out to be the one for me. Anxiety is overpowering me. I am debating whether college will truly help me discover myself or if I will have to form my path to success, happiness and love. I know that I cannot just sit here. That will not help me accomplish much of anything. So, I have no choice but to apply for a temporary “job.” I need interaction with people, even though it can be frustrating. There were days when it frustrated me to tears. I try my hardest not to let shallowness, judgmentalism, ignorance and hatred kill my confidence. I know that I cannot let it define who I am.

Speaking of which, I know that my differences cannot prevent me from loving a man with my heart and soul. I truly wish my handsome prince charming could be exactly like you. I’m sure this isn’t the first time a fan of yours has admitted to having a crush on you. Let’s face it, your talent, your looks and your incredibly hot body makes you the perfect package. I know eventually that “someday my prince will come.” (thank you, Walt Disney)

As I maneuver the world at large, there are several things I have to keep in mind. For my well being, I have to be very careful with the men I chose to date. Bitchy, brutally frank and shallow gay men are not my concern. I am concerned about those who really do come off as sweet and respectful. They seem to be able to handle homophobia and all the typical prejudices LGBT people are subjected to, so they think high functioning Autism (Asperger’s Syndrome) is no match for their confidence. He may claim to appreciate my quirkiness, honesty and articulateness. He could very well be that handsome prince I have dreamed about since I first discovered my love for men. However, he will not act shocked or offended when he discovers that my Autism will always be there. Although your struggles may be different, finding that right person who can love you for yourself and not the singer Steve Grand, I feel that you are with me in my journey of finding true love.

I keep trying to remind myself that I am destined for great and wonderful things in this world. Aside from publishing my first memoir, I want to spend an entire month in the state of California and drive the entire coast. I will be sure to think about you when I finally get the opportunity to do it. It’s funny how one song can cause a person to become so emotional. It reminded me of that time in my life when I felt like I would become a dismal failure. I try to stay positive, even though it is very hard at times. I try not to ask for too much from people I don’t know. However, I do ask this. Please do not forget me! Please keep up the fight and continue to write such amazing and touching songs. Finally, I hope that we will get to meet someday. Please keep and use this journal as a token of my gratitude for you. I know that magic is out there somewhere, but I know in my heart I will find it.

With all of my love, affection and support,

Derek

I truly hope you enjoyed reading this special post. Much love and happiness to all of you, too!

Most Annoying Male

I never was a fan of awards assemblies throughout my years in school. I suppose part of that was because my name was rarely called. It was always the same people who won the same awards. Some of the teachers presenting these awards would even say into the microphone that it “is my own fault” if my name was never called. I suppose there is more to life than being deprived of a ribbon or a trophy at my end of school year awards assembly. That being said, some stories often do take me back to my days in school.

The parents of 11-year-old Akalis Castejon were outraged after their son was presented with a trophy that reads “most annoying male.” He has an Autism diagnosis and is non-verbal. One might expect a child to become upset when he doesn’t know how to communicate his wants or needs. I can understand why a teacher may feel frustrated at times. However, that certainly doesn’t explain or excuse why school employees felt the need to humiliate Akalis in such a way.

I certainly don’t feel sorry for the teacher, and I frankly hope all employees involved in this insulting prank are never allowed to teach in a classroom again. There is one aspect of this story that I personally find the most disturbing. It is the fact that he was unable to pick up on the fact that his trophy was indeed a prank. Experiences have shown me that people are bound to take note of that. They are bound to use that as an opportunity to humiliate the child because they know they would never get away with subjecting a neurotypical child to such treatment.

I had my annoying moments back when I was in fifth grade. I went through this phase where I was obsessed with Dory from Finding Nemo. The same thing goes true for my utterances of “Polly want a cracker.” It gave me an audience. I took advantage of that by speaking whale and talking like a parrot at any opportunity I could find. My fifth-grade teacher would even laugh. However, it started to get old pretty quick. It took having to stay in for recess a few times to send the message that there is a time when it is okay to chat and joke around. There is also a time when we must be quiet and listen to the person speaking.

I had excellent teachers growing up. I still keep in touch with some of them today. They all had a strong moral compass. They all set amazing examples both for my classmates and for me. Therefore, I am sure they know the lifelong scars that a prank like the one pulled on Akilas Castejon has the potential to scar a child for life. I am grateful for them. I look back on my memories from junior high and high school. I realize how easy it is to focus on those who were everything but kind. I hope that Akilas and his family remember that, no matter how cruel some adults may be.

Update: Three teachers and a principal have been fired for their involvement in this offensive prank.

https://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/448120-indiana-school-district-to-fire-principal-teacher-who-labeled 

 

You Are A Liar! (My Thoughts About The “High Functioning” Label)

My double minority life as a gay man with Autism Spectrum Disorder (Asperger’s Syndrome) has more than it’s fair share of excruciating challenges. I do not demand people to feel sorry for me when I share even the most painful experiences. Not everyone is going to understand how it feels to live with my condition. Nor do I expect praise from people who are willing to read about my life. It can be easy for me to come off as such a person. However, I know I am far from the type of person who demands metals and trophies just for writing about my life. Demanding praise and adoration is only going to result in the exact opposite. 

I know there is a lot of diversity in the Autism community. People like Dr. Temple Grandin refer to Autism as a continuum, that ranges from nonverbal to traits that are more characteristic of Asperger’s Syndrome. I have never been a fan of functioning labels. I have many reasons for that. This quote below is the one which stood out to me the most. It comes from the Autism wiki and is regarding the high functioning label. 

It minimizes the need for support and may make it harder to ask for help.

http://autism.wikia.com/wiki/Functioning_Labels

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard people claim that I am lying about my diagnosis only because I don’t exhibit the characteristics associated with low functioning Autism. I am not running around, screaming, throwing feces and lashing out. I have the ability to communicate verbally. I know that our society doesn’t consider that to be an acceptable way to communicate my frustrations. I cannot think of anything else that leads to such ignorance than the high functioning label. It leads to the assumption that Autism is a contest. The child with the most “severe” traits receives an “A” a grade on their Autism report card. The graders are people who simply base their perception of what constitutes as “legitimate Autism” on the one person whom they happen to know. 

I now know that Autism is a much more complex neurological disorder than our society likes to think it is. Another major problem many have with the high functioning label is that it can cause the individual to believe they are more superior others who have ASD. As indicated on the Autism wiki page, this mindset can cause the child to grow up to behave disrespectfully towards those whose struggles are different or more significant from their own. I am not proud to admit that I was guilty of such a thing back in my teenage years. I internalized the bullying and social stigma my peers subjected me to.

I used my experiences with bullying as an excuse to completely shut out those who also understand how it feels to be different. I like to think those who accuse me of lying about my diagnosis will change their minds after reading my admission of such a statement. However, I can only change the minds of those who are willing to listen to me. They say the steps towards becoming an active listener are pay attention, show that you are listening, provide feedback and respond appropriately. Such a statement should apply to one’s own words and thoughts just as much (if not more) than it does for those of others. I still have trouble doing those things when I experience depression and anxiety over situations which most people wouldn’t experience such feelings. 

I know my high functioning label never will be absolute. It changes from day to day and situation to situation. I cannot seem to come up with any other way to explain that, other than to say that it depends on the person I am dealing with and the environment that I am in on that particular day and during that particular situation. That is one of the things neurotypical I wish neurotypical people understood. Despite such ignorance, I know that to be true. I know that I will only need to prove that fact to myself.