“You Should Be More Discreet!”

“Stop shoving your lifestyle down my throat! Keep it in the bedroom!”

I often wish that I could get paid one million dollars every time I hear people say that about the gay community. The funny thing is, it does not just come from people who think that “homosexual practices” are the spawn of the devil. It comes from individuals who claim to be genuinely accepting of the fact that I like men. Life has taught me one valuable lesson with regards to the angry and loudmouth homophobes who know their “activism” is truly hurtful. They don’t deserve my attention. I don’t see any point in angrily responding to people who clearly want such a reaction from me. I am quite annoyed, however, with well-meaning individuals who continue to utter many variations of “you need to be more discreet about your sexuality.”

I find it ironic that some of these folks claim to be okay with the fact that I am gay. I am physically and emotionally attracted to men. Someday, I desire to meet that special man and tie the knot with him. It has been hard to eliminate those folks who cannot accept that marrying a woman in some big church wedding will never be the ideal life for me. I come from a very religious extended family. Despite that, I strive to live as someone who conforms to no one else’s standards but his own! This statement applies to social media and in real life. Yes, the discreet police are highly irritating!

Let’s take a look at the Webster definitions of “discreet.”

Discreet:

1.) Not likely to be noticed by many people. (Simple definition.)

1.) having or showing discernment or good judgment in conduct and especially in speech :prudent; especially:  capable of preserving prudent silence. (Full definition.)

2.) Unpretentious, modest.

3.) Unobtrusive, unnoticeable.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/discreet

There is something I cannot help but notice when I read these definitions of the word and listen to those who insist that we must keep our sexuality “in the bedroom.” They are precise definitions of what we call unintentional homophobia. The whole concept of intent vs. impact comes into play when people “discreet police” me. People try to appear discreet when they know they are doing something that is against the rules. It does not matter if this regulation is in the official rule book or unwritten rules that one must follow to appear like they “belong.” They do not want to get caught in the act for fear of punishment or shunning. Regardless of what anyone says, I know that my sexual orientation is far from illegal or immoral. Therefore, I form the following impression when people say that I need to “keep it in the bedroom.” They are still negatively influenced by the very individuals who think I am the devil’s spawn for showing genuine interest in the “homosexual lifestyle.”

What about my sexuality should I be more discreet? I do not understand what people are referring to when they insist on imposing such a standard on me. I get that we live in a sexually repressed world. I am also willing to acknowledge some of the reasons behind that. Sex and sexuality are topics that require a certain amount of emotional and physical maturity to understand and appreciate. This truth is something that many adults fail to understand. Let’s face it! We live in a world full of people who think that being gay is nothing but a childish joke. That is a joke used as a cheap punchline by someone who has yet to admit their faults and failings.

We also live in a world full of people who fail to realize one thing when they tell me, an openly gay man, to be more discreet. I kept it a secret for many years. By the time I entered junior high, I already realized there was such a thing as gay, bisexual and straight. My diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome caused me to struggle with the ability to understand my behavior and that of others. I knew that I was genuinely curious about the male body in the same way that most teenage boys were curious about the female body. At the time, I never discussed it with anyone. My adolescence, in that regard, was no different than the story of many other people who grew up and realized they were gay. I was curious about the male body and thought it was just a phase that I would outgrow.

Let’s take a walk down memory lane and go back to junior high. I cringe when I remind myself of one trend that began during that time and continued through to high school. It can be hard for any teenager to deal with the development of hormones. This is particularly the case when you are in a building with a bunch of mid-pubescent teens whose only exposure to (heterosexual) sex is through music, pop culture and pornography. Many of my classmates from junior high had the disrespectful tendency to push the topic on people who were just not ready to explore it. Therefore, they assumed that anyone who resisted conversation about that the graphic details of such a topic are a faggot or a queer. (One student used those exact words when they spoke to me.) So, back to the “discreet police.” I am supposed to sit here and keep and keep an essential aspect of my life secret so people can be their nosy selves and assume that I am gay? I don’t get it.

There is one thing I must reluctantly accept from time to time. Some places are just not appropriate for conversations about the most intimate details of my sexuality.

“He has a cute butt! I would bring him home with me!”

I can imagine the looks of disgust from parishioners after I, hypothetically, shouted that in the middle of worship. Even Episcopalians would frown upon that. It’s just not the best to proclaim a sexual interest in places that are specifically intended to look beyond the physical. That still does not change my refusal to allow people to pressure me into “keeping my sexuality in the bedroom.” I just highlighted several reasons why. I don’t like to be “militant” about this issue. (Those are not my words. I am just quoting it from people who have used it to describe the LGBT community.) However, I think it needed to be said and I could not find any other way to say it.

I thank you for reading and please feel free to leave a comment!

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