My Thoughts About Kim Davis

June 26, 2015 was a joyful day for many. It was the day our United States Supreme Court declared that all 50 states must legally recognize marriages between gay and lesbian couples, thus defeating the Defense of Marriage Act. Of course, not everyone felt that profound sense of joy in knowing that it continues to change our nation every single day. Tempter tantrums from Conservative Christian politicians and defiance from certain state employees has gained quite a bit of attention in the past few weeks. Rowan county Kentucky clerk Kim Davis has become one of the most infamous. Most of us already know that she was rightfully placed in custody by the US Marshals after refusing to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples. I was appalled when I watched footage from that insane rally in support of her “constitutional rights.” We truly have a long way to go if people think the illegal and discriminatory actions of a county clerk are to be considered “heroic.”

I have yet to find that special someone in my life. I guess I can live by the belief that it will come when the time is right and that I should not desperately “search” for him. I still cannot imagine how devastating it would be to have someone tell me that I cannot marry him and receive the same legal rights that my heterosexual counterparts are entitled to. I watched the documentary “Bridegroom” about Shane Bitney Crone. His boyfriend, Tom Bridegroom, was tragically killed in an accident when he fell off the roof of an apartment building. I would hate to spoil it for those who have not viewed the movie. However, I still think this is an important example. Tom’s parents firmly believed the typical fundamentalist view that homosexuality is the spawn of satan and an attack on their image. They did everything they could to cut Shane from their lives and even banned him from attending their son’s funeral. The father went as far as sending death threats if he dared to show up.

This begs a difficult question. Would he have managed to get away with such despicable behavior if marriage equality had already been legal nationwide?

Of course, legal marriage is not going to change the mindsets of those people who are convinced that we are the spawn of satan. Kim Davis has proven that without a doubt. Some people will only find nice things to say when we are just like them. It is hard enough to accept that people like this will continue to exist. Moving on from people who want us to be unhappy is even harder. We go through that phase of thinking that everyone is out to get us and that we are always the victim. We insist on taking our bitterness out on people who have not harmed us in any way. I sure made that mistake after I was bullied in school, and it took me a long time to realize that it only made my social problems worse.

I have wanted to touch on this issue for quite some time. However, this is one of those topics that is so shocking, I feel like it is impossible to form a coherent thought. I feel like punching my computer anytime I read about pundit preachers who insist upon imposing their dogmatic, holier than thou stance on people of whom it will ruin their emotional well being. I just have to remind myself that I am the only person who can prove that I am better. I try to remind myself of the many people who want me to be successful, and ultimately, happy. If we all try to do that, Kim Davis and her delusional supporters will only be a distant memory.


No! I Am Not Your Inspiration!

“The only disability in life is a bad attitude.” 

Scott Hamilton 

Many people tend to believe these quotes are “inspirational.” They are instantly moved by the story about Natalie du Toit, the Olympic swimmer from South Africa with only one leg. She was inevitably forced to have her left leg amputated after she was hit by a car while riding her scooter school. Non disabled folks look at these pictures and feel this sudden rush of “inspiration porn” that magically gives them the motivation to put their struggles into perspective. “Wow! My problems are not so terrible after all! Look at what that Olympic swimmer had to go through! She must have had it so terrible! I am now proud to know that I have both of my legs!”  This orgasmic rush is only temporary, however. Before too long, they go back to the boring and normal folks they truly are. Thankfully, I am not the only person who strongly believes that “inspiration porn” is an epidemic. I thoroughly enjoyed a TED lecture by Australian disability rights activist and comedian Stella Young. Her diagnosis of Osteogenesis Imperfecta (brittle bone disease) has made it necessary for her to use a wheelchair. Despite that, she managed to achieve success as the editor for the Australian Broadcasting Network. 

I know what you are thinking. You think I am just going on my soapbox and ranting just for the sake of ranting. I would hate to burst your bubble, but that is not the truth at all. I most certainly do not believe my diagnosis is terrible. I also do not believe that it makes me exceptional. I only believe that disability can make one exceptional when they genuinely achieve something that nobody else has managed to do so. I am only willing to serve as inspiration” to people who are willing to help us live up to the belief that we are exceptional. 

I intend to follow Stella’s footsteps and challenge the belief that disabled people are to be used as objects of inspiration.  This brings back memories to the day I wrote about Kathie Lee Gifford and the day she made an Autistic child cry on national television. The mother of handsome and popular high school senior Zach Hirsch felt compelled to write to Kathie Lee and Hoda in hopes of appearing on the segment called “Everyone Has A Story.” To sum it up, Zach befriended freshman Graham Jackson after he saw him sitting alone at a cafeteria table. Graham is also diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome and that caused him to struggle with social skills development. The two instantly discovered their love of sports and became fast friends. To honor Zach, broadway singer Kate Baldwin performed a song that told their story. The horrid lyrics are reluctantly quoted below. 

We see them everyday, but too often look away from the ones who are sitting alone. 

We seldom hear their voice because we make the choice to leave them right there all alone 

We see them everywhere, but to often we don’t care. We’re lost in a world of our own. 

We rarely realize, they’re angels in disguise, so we leave them right there all alone. 

Can you imagine if hello was a word you’d never heard? Can you imagine if you’ve never had a friend? 

Can you imagine if loneliness was all you’d ever known?  

It’s more than we could ever comprehend. A world, a silent world, without a friend. 

But miracles can happen, sometimes they really do. 

And sometimes, the miracle turns out to be you. 

When you embrace a stranger and show love you’ve never shown, you will make the greatest friend that you have ever known. 

Someone who used to be, someone who used to be, but now will never be all alone. 

I think that Stella’s lecture is one that is very beneficial for people who live with disabilities that are often considered “fake” by ignorant people in our society. This story with Kathie Lee Gifford and the Autistic teenager is an example of a vapid and patronizing publication of a “feel good” story. I know they meant well. I am willing to believe that Zach is genuinely a good person and that their friendship is something worth recognizing. However, I can’t help but feel insulted for Graham’s sake and reminded of my high school experiences. I was one of those kids who nobody wanted to sit with. I was occasionally bullied in school. People threw things at me and called me names like retard, faggot, queer and butt pirate. I was sexually harassed a few times by a girl who was desperate to be the center of attention and use me as her way of getting it. I did not ask to go through most of the treatment people subjected me to. I don’t think it is necessary to elaborate on my experiences. However, there is one thing that has particularly stood out in this video. Kathie Lee was “inspirationally aroused” after she fulfilled her desire to remind Graham that he is different. I know many people throughout the rest of society can’t get enough of it when it comes to their attitudes towards disabled people. When we encounter them, the most difficult thing to figure out is whether we should ignore them or call them on it. 

People have also told me that I am “brave” and “inspirational” when they have read many of my writings from the past year. “My Letter to Steve Grand” was one of those posts. Sure, it was emotional for me and those who were emotionally moved by it. However, I never intended for it to be an “inspiration” to anyone else but myself. When I look back and read it to myself, these are the messages it conveyed to me.  

1.) Stop beating yourself up about the past. We’ve all been through experiences where our true feelings were forced to be ignored and even believed to be “wrong.” 

2.) Learn from your words and experiences. Use them to create a life that is truly worth living!

Life as a gay man with Asperger’s Syndrome has often forced me to ponder one question. Do I allow my life to be dictated by these “inspiration fetishists” or do I try to live by the example of those who do genuinely want me to live a happy and successful life? Without the latter, none of us can live up to the belief that we are “exceptional.”

Being Brave (In A Cowardly World)

Selfish: having or showing concern for only yourself and not for the needs or feelings of other people. 

Coward: 1.) someone who is too afraid to do what is right or expected 2.) someone who is not at all brave or courageous. 

Fox News analyst Shepard Smith was recently put under fire for insulting comments regarding the recent death of actor and comedian Robin Williams. The 63 years old man committed suicide on August 11, 2014. Smith referred to William’s death as “cowardly” in a recent news segment. 

One of the children he so loved, one of the children grieving tonight. Because their father killed himself in a fit of depression. It’s hard to imagine, isn’t it? You could love three little things so much, watch them grow, they’re in their mid-20s, and they’re inspiring you, and exciting you, and they fill you up with the kind of joy you could never have known. And yet, something inside you is so horrible or you’re such a coward or whatever the reason that you decide that you have to end it.

Rightfully so, his comments were not well received. Criticism has come from people who know how it feels to live with severe Depression. Many have actually contemplated or attempted suicide. They know how it feels to reach that point where you feel like there is no hope. They are left with two choices. Do I end it all or do I face my fears and find the help I need? I live with Asperger’s Syndrome, a mild form of the neurological disorder known as Autism. I still find it difficult to connect with people, even though I try so hard to do so. Whether I like it or not, I have to do it if I want to survive on my own. This condition has made me especially vulnerable to Depression and Social Anxiety. I am also a gay man. I love men! It has taken me a long time to find the confidence to say that. I am this complex person who nobody else will even care to understand or even get to know. (At least that is what I hear from the occasional troll who loves to comment on my blog.) The truth is, Depression is a very difficult topic for me to explain. It is mainly because the condition affects people in many ways. Australian writer and illustrator Matthew Johnstone described his journey towards overcoming Depression in his book “I Had a Black Dog (And his Name Was Depression.)” As the title suggests, the black dog was used as a metaphorical alternative to the word depression. 

I had a black dog and his name was Depression. Whenever the black dog made an appearance, I felt empty and life just seemed to slow down. He would surprise me with a visit for no reason or occasion. The black dog made me look and feel older than my years. When the rest of the world seemed to enjoy life, I could only see it through the black dog. Activities that used to bring me pleasure, suddenly ceased to. He liked to ruin my appetite. 

I have learned not to beat myself up and try to figure out the exact cause of my symptoms. Personally, I don’t care if it is directly because of my Asperger’s, obliviousness to my sexuality or just biology and genetics. I was shy, socially challenged and closeted kid who insisted he was “just going through a phase.” If I were to suddenly find out the cause of all my problems, I can guarantee that my symptoms would worsen. I would be this miserable, unhappy guy who constantly focused on everything that is wrong in my life. They could even push me to the breaking point. I know that I have to stop it from going there if I want to survive in this world. It’s very hard to do, but life is not always a walk in the park. 

He chewed up my memory and my ability to concentrate. Doing anything, or going anywhere with the black dog required superhuman strength. At social occasions, he would sniff out what confidence I had and chase it away. My biggest fear was being found out. I worried that people would judge me. Because of the shame and stigma of the black dog, I was constantly worried about being found out. So, I invested vast amounts of energy into covering him up. Keeping up and emotional lie, is exhausting. Black dog could make me think and say negative things. He could make me irritable and difficult to be around. He would take my love, and bury mine to the sea. He loved nothing more than to wake me up with highly repetitive and negative thinking. He also loved to remind me how exhausted I was going to be the next day.

Having a black dog in your life isn’t so much about being a bit down, sad or blue. At its worst, it’s about being devoid of feeling all together. As I got older, the black dog got bigger and he started hanging around all the time. I’d chase him off with whatever I thought might send him running, but more often than not, he’d come out on top. Going down became easier than getting up again. So, I became really good at self medication, which never really helped. Eventually, I felt totally isolated from everything and everyone. The black dog had finally succeeded in hijacking my life. When you lose all joy in life, you can begin to question what the point of it is. 

Thankfully, this was the time that I sought professional help. This was my first step towards recovery and a major turning point in my life. I learned that it doesn’t matter who you are, the black dog affects millions and millions of people. It is an equal opportunity mongrel. I also learned there is no silver bullet or magic pill. Medication may help some, but others need a difficult approach altogether. I also learned that being emotionally genuine and authentic towards those close to you can be an absolute game changer. Most importantly, I learned not to be afraid of the black dog and I taught him a few new tricks of my own. The more tired and stressed you are, the louder he barks. So, it’s important to learn how to quiet your mind. It’s been clinically proven that regular exercise can be as effective to treating mild to moderate depression as anti depressants. So, go for a walk or a run and leave the mutt behind.  Keep a mood journal! Getting your thoughts on paper can be cathartic and often insightful. Also, keep track of the things that you have to be grateful for.

The most important thing to remember is that no matter how bad it gets, if you take the right steps, if you talk to the right people, black dog days will pass! I wouldn’t say that I am grateful for the black dog, but he has been an incredible teacher. He forced me to reevaluate and simplify my life. I learned that rather than running away from my problems, it’s better to embrace them. The black dog will always be a part of my life, but he will never be the beast that he was! We have an understanding! I’ve learned through knowledge, patience, discipline and humor, the worst black dog can be made to heal. If you’re in difficulty, never be afraid to ask for help. There is absolutely no shame in doing so. The only shame is missing out on life!

Matthew Johnstone “I Had A Black Dog (And His Name Was Depression) 

If there is anything that Depression has taught me, it is that none of my differences entitle me to sympathy from other people. When I meet a new person, you will never hear me say anything like this. “Hi! I’m Derek! I’m gay, I have Asperger’s Syndrome and I’m Depressed! Woe is me!” The only way I will ever believe that someone genuinely respects me is if they chose to look beyond all of those things that make me appear “different” from the rest of society. I do not care if people know that I am gay. I have grown used to the fact that people are going to find out sooner or later. However, I have a very different expectation for disclosing my diagnosis. Should I ever tell any person I meet, they must not disclose it to anyone else without my explicit permission. I know that people can be very judgmental when they find out someone has an Autistic Spectrum Disorder. They believe the stereotypes portrayed in fictional television shows and by news media outlets. (For example: Dr. Virginia Dixon on Grey’s Anatomy and Dr. Temprence Brennan on Bones.) I wrote that heartfelt letter to Steve Grand because I was confident in the belief that he was actually willing to listen. I hate to be this way, but most people could care less. I am greatly improving in my ability to “hide” my symptoms at times and places when it is necessary to do so. I must admit, it can be very overwhelming! Society does not think “high functioning Autism” is a “legitimate disability.” Regardless, it is “legitimate” to me! 

There is one thing I have learned about the tragic death of Robin Williams. When the world overwhelms, frustrates and saddens me, there still is hope. I am not selfish. I am not a coward. I am just someone who needs help coping with the world. It took me a long time to realize that. I often wonder if Robin would still be here if someone would have told him those words. Even if it cannot bring him back, it can still help people who feel like they have lost hope. That is one of the many reasons why I write the way I do!