My problems with expressing myself


You probably know by now that Aspergers Syndrome is a unique disorder, I have mentioned my old therapist that pushed me too hard to learn social skills, and focused on all of my weaknesses that needed to be improved. I have mentioned how he would put me in social situations where I felt very uncomfortable, and I would try to resist to everything he wanted me to do. My example was when he came to observe me at Computing Workshop, and he wanted me to introduce him to four people. I simply refused to do it, he then decided to overwhelm me even more by meeting with me two days a week instead of one, because he claimed that I was lying to him. The previous week he asked me if I would do it, I responded with a dreadful sounding “yeah, whatever”. In theory, I was trying to show him the truth that I wanted nothing to do with him, and that I wanted a new therapist. He finally figured that out four months later, when we finally discharged. When I am around someone I really don’t want to talk to, I try to resist being around them as much as possible. Mike didn’t seem to get that in theory I was being honest. He prevented me from expressing my feelings by overwhelming me, and trying to make me feel like I was a bad person.

I have a slightly different way of showing someone my honest opinion about them. When I am around someone that I really don’t want to have even a small conversation with, anytime they tell a joke I don’t laugh at all, I just sit there and pretend the joke never even happened. The only thing I will ever say to a person I don’t want to talk to is a one word answer to a question, or a one word interjection. There is no obligation to have to be friendly with them, so why should I say anything else to them? That is my way of showing someone I want nothing to do with them. I especially feel this way if this person has been rude to me in the past, I really don’t think that person really deserves any respect from me if they have been rude in the past. I have been told by numerous people that it is rude to not say hi to someone when you see them, even if they really are not your friend. I have said hi to people that have walked by me in the school hallway, or when I see a person I know at the mall, and they just give me this look like it is the most obnoxious thing that I have ever done. These are also the same people that sit there and say all of these horrible things about people like me, and that make fun of me because of my differences. Those people are the ones that seriously need to be dragged to social skills groups. Someday they will learn that making fun of other people is not a way to go through life. Let me also repeat this from my entry about bullying, people that are bullied and tormented often become bullies themselves. Because they didn’t have the confidence to express themselves and stand up to the bully, they think it’s okay to do it themselves. They most likely are thinking “I don’t have to go through this anymore, I can pick on people myself. That will teach them never to bother me again”. If I never had the social skill training I got at Wesley and Computing Workshop, I would have probably resorted to picking on people myself.

One thing that people need to learn if they really want to be my friend is that if they start doing something that I really don’t like, they better be prepared to handle the truth.  I think that if you just let the situation slide, you could end up losing the friendship with them. It may seem uncomfortable for some people, but it is something that I think you should try. If I didn’t go to social skills groups, I would have just let the whole situation slide. I wouldn’t have had the confidence that I have now, and I would end up jeopardizing the friendship by letting the whole situation slide. It would kill me to see all of the negative consequences that could happen to the person if I didn’t talk to them about it. I have had a few really close friends in the past that have met girlfriends, and they kind of forgot that I still existed. It seemed that they would spend more time with the girl and her friends instead of with me. They would act like it was more important to hang out with the girls friends instead of hanging out with me. I had absolutely no problem with the girl that he was dating, but I did have a problem with the he wasn’t including me in the activities with the girl and her friends. I eventually gave up on the situation and moved on. I wish that I could have expressed myself and told him how I felt. The next time I get put in a situation similar to that, I am going to try to work on being more honest and telling the person how I feel. The sadness and loneliness I felt after the situation wouldn’t go away for a long time, and it never would have happened if I told him how I felt. I am doing better at expressing myself in situations similar to this, but I am still working on it. I tend to take it personally when I invite someone to get together, and they say no. This is even true with people I am friends with now, I tend to think that they are starting to feel against me and that they want nothing to do with me. This is because I have been rejected and dumped by people so many times. I have trouble figuring out why they can’t get together with me, whether they are just making up stories to get out of being around me, or they really have a legitimate reason for it. I still find it hard to express myself in situations where friendships change for the worse. In the past when I have tried to show my opinion about something, people have either ignored me, or have just told me to shut up. I am working on expressing myself, but it’s going to take time to master that.

To wrap up, people have many different ways of expressing themselves. Whether it’s through music, art, writing, or even the clothes they wear. I have learned that I should never listen to the negative things people say about me, and you shouldn’t either. There are people out there that will purposely make a person look bad by saying all kinds of rude things about them. It makes no sense to worry about those kind of people. Trust me, if you let those people bother you they will say even more negative things about you, so just brush it off and ignore them. That’s all I have for today!

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One thought on “My problems with expressing myself

  1. Thank you all for reading this! One thing I wish people would do is be more honest around me. I absolutely hate it when people avoid me, or just tolerate me. I never have really had that many friends that were really exited to see me, and that wanted to get to know me. If people really don’t want to be my friend, why don’t they just tell me instead of tolerating me or avoiding me? That is one of the things that I probably will never understand about other people. You better be prepared for the truth when you hang around me also, if I don’t like something that you are doing, I will be sure to tell you so. I don’t do white lies. If it offends you, than that is just too bad.

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